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You may recall last year when the Carnival cruise ship Splendor was
adrift without power, lights, refrigeration or air conditioning. As
reports filtered back from the stranded passengers, they all kept saying
they couldn’t wait to get back on “dry land.” While the
humanitarian in me pitied their plight, the linguist in me bristled at
their redundancy.
你可能回想起去年嘉年華郵輪-輝煌號，因沒電、沒燈、沒冰箱和空調而漂流海上。如同從被擱淺旅客篩選回來的報導，他們都說，他們迫不及待想回到「乾地。」雖然人道主意的我，很同情他們的處境，但語言學者的我，對於他們的贅詞，生氣地毛髮倒豎。
Yes, land is dry, the ocean is wet. We know that. Also, if they meant it
literally there could have been a problem. What if the ship had returned
to port on a rainy day? Then the Captain would have had to announce:
“Please be advised that our return to dry land has been postponed due to
mud, which as you know makes dry land wet. Those who wish to change
their travel plans may disembark on to wet land at this time. Those
wishing to return to dry land may remain aboard the ship until such
times as those conditions become available. There is also the option of
returning to semi-dry land when the rain stops but before the ground
dries out completely.”
是的，地是乾的，海洋是濕的。我們都知道沒錯。此外，假如他們從字面上認為，它應該是一個問題。假若船在雨天回到港口，那又怎麼樣？那麼船長可能會宣布：「請大家注意，由於泥漿，我們回到乾地被延遲。你是知道的，都是下雨把乾地弄成泥漿。要改變行程的旅客們，現在可以下船。那些仍希望回到乾地的旅客，請留在船上，直到狀況改變可以下船為止。當雨停但地面完全乾之前，也可以選擇回到半乾的土地。」
I know this is silly. The people weren’t being literal. What they meant
is that they were tired of being surrounded by wetness, which is what
the ocean is known for. This would have had the Captain wondering as the
ship limped into port: “Should I say dry land when nobody actually got
wet? People didn’t even take showers because there was no hot water.
Heck, these are the driest people on the planet. What I should say is:
‘Ladies and gentlemen, we are returning from the fear of wetness to the
illusion of dryness, since your body is in fact 70 percent water and you
are always soaking wet. If your wetness dried up you could fit in a
glove compartment.’”
我知道這是很愚蠢的。人們是缺乏想像力的。實際上，他們是厭倦被潮濕圍繞著，這就是我們所熟悉海洋的樣子。當船艱難緩慢的駛近港口，船長納悶地想著：「確實沒人弄濕，我應該說是乾地嗎？因為沒有熱水，旅客們甚至還沒洗澡。唉喔！這是地球上最乾燥的人。我應該說：『各位先生各位女士，我們正從潮濕的恐懼，進入乾燥的錯覺，因為事實上水佔身體的百分之七十，你們一直都是浸濕的狀態。假如你是完全乾燥的話，你的體積可以進汽車儀表板旁的手套箱了。』」
If the
Captain were a Toastmaster I’m sure this is what he would have said.
假如船長是我們演講會的會員，我確定他會這樣說的。
Another phrase I struggle with is “popular historian.” Popular
historians are in fact highly unpopular with everyone except the people
who read their books. Other historians don’t like them because they
actually write history books that sell. Universities despise them
because popular historians are rich historians, which runs counter to
the time- honored academic tradition of underpaying history professors
while requiring them to publish or perish–by writing unpopular history
books.
另一句我與之掙扎的慣用語，是「大眾史學家」。實際上他們是，高度不受每個人歡迎的，除非是讀他們的書籍的人們。其它史學家不喜歡他們，因為他們確實寫史書來賣錢。大學輕視他們，因為受歡迎的史學家很有錢的，他們與時代背道而馳－當大眾史學家要求歷史系教授，寫不普及的史書出版，或者出版招消滅，他們會少付歷史系教授的崇高學術傳統。
History teachers resent them for making history interesting when they
themselves have worked so hard to make it boring. (They also don’t like
it when popular historians vacation with Alan Greenspan and Katie Couric
on Martha’s Vineyard while they teach summer school classes to football
players.) You can’t even be a popular history student. Whenever I
mention the Magna Carta in idle conversation it makes me very unpopular
with people who think I’m trying to show off.
歷史老師對他們很憤概，因為大眾史學家，把歷史這門課弄得很有趣，而歷史老師們已經很努力的把它搞得無趣。(他們也不喜歡當大眾史學家，與格林斯潘和凱蒂庫里克，在瑪莎葡萄園島度假，而歷史老師郤要教足球員暑期學校課程。)你甚至不能是一位，受歡迎的歷史系學生。每當我閒話家常提起大憲章時，它使我變得不受人歡迎，人們認為我試圖在炫耀。
Then there’s “dizzying array.” An array is a large grouping of
things placed in some kind of order. Apparently, this made somebody
dizzy once and it’s been a dizzying array ever since. Why is it the
array’s fault? Perhaps they had an inner ear problem. Or a reaction to
medication. Or too much to drink. Considering all the things that can
make you dizzy, it seems rather unfair to blame the poor little array.
I’ve gazed on many arrays without a twinge of dizziness and I’m sure you
have too. So the next time you hear someone mention a dizzying array,
refer them to a neurologist.
那麼又一片語「頭暈目眩的排列」。排列，是一大群物件，用一些要素予以排序組合。很明顯的，這個曾經使某些人頭暈目眩，這是以前從沒有過的。為什麼有排列的錯呢？或許它們有內耳的毛病，或是對藥物的反應，或是喝太多。想想所有會讓你頭暈目眩的事，把責任怪罪於不好的排列，是乎有欠公平。我曾經注視許多的排列，沒有暈眩的痛苦，我確定你也是。所以下一次你聽到某些人提起頭暈目眩的排列，指點他們去看神經科醫師。
I
don’t much care for “final destination” either. I usually hear it
on airplanes when flight attendants announce where the aircraft is
ultimately going. They may say Tucson or Chicago or St. Louis but that
isn’t my final destination. Or yours. We all know what our final
destination is, and if the plane is going there, I’m gettin’ off.
我也不在乎最「終目的地」這句話。我經常在飛機上聽到，當空服員們廣播飛機最終將飛往哪一站。他們可能會說土桑、芝加哥、或聖路易斯，但這並不是我的最終目的地、或者是你的。我們都知道我們的最終目的地是哪裡，假如飛機到達時，我將會自己下飛機。
Lastly, there’s the motto emblazoned on the police cars in my hometown:
“Serve, Protect, Defend.” Sounds nice until you realize it’s
really a description of things going from bad to worse. The way I see
it, police serve you by directing traffic, coming to the scene of
accidents, and getting cats out of trees. If they have to move on to
protecting you, something’s gone wrong. And if they end up defending you
it can only mean the protection has broken down. What happens after
that–“Serve, Protect, Defend, Every Man for Himself”? At that point I
would face a dizzying array of bad things that could happen, like going
to my final destination on a cruise ship at the hands of a popular
historian.
最後，我家鄉有一個座右銘，被裝飾在警車上：「服務、保護、保衛」。聽起來是不錯，直到你了解它所描述的是，是從不好到很糟。我的看法是，警察以指揮交通、來到車禍現場、抓樹上的貓咪來服務你們。假如他們必須出發來保護你，表示事情不妙啦！假如他們最後要保衛你，只能意味保護已失敗。那這個「服務、保護、保衛，人人為己」後會發生甚麼事？在那時，我可能會面對，所發生不好的事的頭暈目眩的排列，像在大眾史學家手裡，坐這郵輪將前往我的目的地。
John
Cadley
is an advertising copywriter in Syracuse, New York. Reach him at
jcadley@mower.com.
作者：約翰．卡德利，紐約州雪城的廣告文案編寫人。電郵地址為
jcadley@mower.com
譯者：鄭小玲Sherry,
Hsin Chu Toastmasters Club
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