The Perfect Circle

“Kids, grab your pencils and paper. I want each of you to draw a circle.”

It’s 1991. I’m five years old and my kindergarten teacher, Miss Winkleman, has just given me the toughest assignment of my life.

I grab my pencil and begin to draw, but I can’t make the ends meet. I squint my eyes, press thepencil down harder, but all I draw is an ugly blob. I quickly hide my paper, drop my head into myhands, and cry. I’m crushed! All because I can’t draw a perfect circle.

I look around, “How is everybody else so happy drawing ugly blobs?”

My mom, who is in my class that day, hands me a tin can to trace. I cry even harder. She asks,“Are you okay, Lizzie?”

Am I okay? Of course I’m not okay! If I can’t draw a perfect circle... If I can’t be perfect…I will never be okay.

Contest Master, fellow Toastmasters, does this sound extreme to you? Trying to draw the perfect circle was just the beginning of my nightmare… My nightmarish pursuit of perfection.
[PAUSE]

I told myself, “Liz, be perfect in everything you do! Draw the perfect circle, get perfect grades, be a perfect person!”

As I grew I felt more and more pressure to be perfect… My tiniest mistakes made me feel guilty and worthless.

In 1998, when I’m 13, it gets so bad I withdraw from everyone I love. I’m lonely and depressed!

One night I lie down on my bedroom floor and pull a blanket up over my head. I wish I could fall asleep and never wake up again. I am not okay.

Fast forward to 2005. I’m 19, a freshman in college. I’m unhappy with my weight, and eventhough I’ve failed to be perfect in any other area of my life, I decide I will perfectly control my
diet! One day, I’m eating my favorite snack -- goldfish crackers. I’m counting how many I eat.That’s weird. What if someone notices what I’m doing? I feel ashamed and embarrassed. I am
not okay. I’m on the brink of an eating disorder, and I need help. I need a way out of this nightmare.

So I do the scariest thing I’ve ever done in my life: [PAUSE] talk to a counselor. I’m terrified.

I’ve spent my entire life hiding my imperfections from everyone. Now I’m going to pay someone money to listen to me talk about everything that’s wrong with me? I gather my courage, go and
meet my counselor, Bob. I tell him about counting goldfish crackers and my history of depression. Bob listens and then... to my horror… he laughs and says, “This is going to be fun!”

Aren’t counselors supposed to be kind? Is Bob mocking me? Or does he know something I don’t? Maybe he knows the secret to becoming perfect. I come back the next week. And the next week. And the next. Did I become perfect?! (PAUSE)

Of course not! But I figured out why Bob laughed the first time we met. He did know a secret.

He knew that my pursuit of perfection was really about trying to earn love. He helped me understand that I will never be perfect, but I am already loved -- by my family and my friends, and most importantly by God! I just needed to let go of perfection and accept their love! And if I’m loved, I’m okay! I slowly let go of my nightmarish pursuit of perfection. I stopped counting goldfish crackers, and learned to be happy with my body. I stopped stressing about grades. When I got a B… nothing bad happened! Most importantly,I stopped hiding. I let people into my messy, imperfect life… and I experienced love!

Being imperfect doesn’t hold me back anymore! I know I’m an imperfect wife, mother, and friend. Heck, today I still can’t draw a perfect circle, but I have a lot of fun drawing ugly blobs --
especially with my kids! I’m imperfect and I’m okay.

What’s holding you back? Maybe for you it’s not perfectionism, but is there something you’re pursuing because you’re trying to earn love? Here’s a secret: YOU ARE LOVED, just as you are! So let it go... [PAUSE]... LET IT GO… [PAUSE]... because when you do, I promise, you will also be okay!