When I was 5 years old, my mom always confused me; I thought my name was MY GOD.
我五歲時，我老是被老媽搞糊塗，我以為我的名字是「老天啊」
　

Mom would looked at me and said, “My God, stop crying! My God, eat your food!”
老媽老是瞪著我說：「老天啊！別哭了！老天啊！吃口飯吧！」
　

My brother, one year older, all the time I thought his name was Jesus Christ, “Jesus Christ don’t kick your sister!”
我那一歲的弟弟，我一直以為他的名字是「耶穌基督！」，「耶穌基督！別踹你姐！」

We were not easy kids, my brother and I “The Dream team”, we Challenge our parents’ Comfort Zone; We Add Colors…to the walls.

We were like this… “Hey sis, this afternoon, Mom - will go shopping, We - will go swimming, In the river J, It’s OK, we’ll go home early.” But we never went home early. Usually mom came too early, with a weapon in her hand, “My God Jesus, I told you, River is Danger, come home! (beat) No Play, Play (beat)
我們不是乖小孩，我和老弟是「夢幻團隊」，我們挑戰爸媽的容忍度，我們替生命增加色彩，藉由在我家牆壁上塗鴉！我們就像這樣做：「老姐！老媽下午要出去買東西，我們去河裡游泳」，「沒問題，早點回來就好了！」。但，我倆從來沒早回來過！通常是老媽早一步到家，手裡操著傢伙：「老天啊！耶穌基督！早就告訴你，河裡面很危險，回家（打）、不准再玩（打）」 
　

My father is different, he is Calm, Cool, he has The Look (pose)  I thought he was in CIA, Check Investigate All the time. “Effie, show me your school bag, give me your paper. B, B again, you have problem with A? You know?! A is for “Apple”, B is for “Beat”. Give me your hand ….. (beat) B…B… (beat)  Bring home Apple!
老爸就不同了，他沈著、冷靜，冷眼旁觀，我認為他是搞情報的。他總是不停地檢查，「艾菲！給我看看你的書包，把考卷給我」，B！怎麼又是B，你跟A有過節嗎？A是Apple，B是扁！ 手拿出來！扁！扁！扁！下一次給我考個A回來！ 
　

My father drove us to school everyday, E-ve-ry-day, he told the teacher, “Teacher, if they don’t behave, beat them”
老爸每天送我倆上學，每..一..天，他跟老師說：「這兩個如果不乖，扁他們！」
　

Mom would bake a cake and went to our neighbor, “Mrs. Chan, how are you, I bake a cake for you. Oh… if my kids steal your flowers again, beat them, I am sorry”

老媽總是烤個蛋糕送給鄰居們，「張太太！你好嗎？我特別烤個蛋糕送你，嗯！如果我的小孩又來偷摘你家的花，扁他們！真..真不好意思！」

I told you, “Life is not Fair!”  We just tried to be funny, and these old people beat us all the time. I didn’t understand, WHYyyy? Mom ex..plained,: “Play More, Beat More; You young, you don’t understand; You old, you understand. Stay alive! Remember, Life has to be lived For_ward, for..ward; But it can only be understood back…ward, back…ward” I was like “HAH??
告訴你「生命是不公平的！」，我們只是想找點樂子，大人們總是痛扁我們，我就是搞不懂為什麼？。老媽解釋道：「玩得越多！扁得越多」你還年輕、你不懂，等你老了就知道了。要勇敢地活下去！記住！人生要往前看、向前看，但是要瞭解，只能長大了回頭看…回頭看。我聽得是一頭霧水！
　

But NOW (pause), I am older and alive, so I look …. Back, Ohoh, Understood. NOW It’s my turn, It’s OUR turn, NOW, We beat the Kids! (Sing) Beat It…Beat It…. Just Beat It! (Sing)   When kids try to be funny, they are no longer human, that’s why we use “It” (Pose) Beat It! (Pose)
但是現在，我長大了，也還活著，我有資格回頭看了，我總算明白了！終於輪到我了！終於輪到我們了！可以開始打小孩了！(Sing) Beat It…Beat It…. Just Beat It! (Sing)當小孩想找樂子的時候，千萬不要把他們當人看！那就是為什麼在英文裡，小孩是”牠！”就是扁”牠！” 
　

Funny that people stop beating the kids nowadays. My friend says, “We don’t beat, We communicate”. Come on, kids don’t need Communication, they need Physical Sensation. Another friend wants me to pray for her son. I was like, HELLO, he doesn’t need Praying, he needs Beating
搞不懂的是現在的人都不打小孩了，我朋友說：「我們不打小孩，我們用”溝通”！」。
算了吧！小孩子不需要溝通，他們需要的是:肉體上的感覺。
另一個朋友要我為他的孩子祈禱！我想說的是他的小孩不需要祈禱，他需要的是”打”倒！ 
　

“To beat or not to beat!” ….. Haiya, that’s NOT the question
To Beat is To Love; Love …. Hurts, Pain…ful, but it’s Good !
To Love, you need “Powerful Weapon”. My mom shared 3 secrets to choose powerful weapon for beating, and loving:
「打還是不打」.. Haiya,這從來就不是個問題
打就是愛，愛…令人受傷害痛苦、但痛苦是好的！（吃得苦中苦，方為人上人！）
愛！你需要強而有力的武器來執行。老媽分享了選傢伙的三個秘方： 
　

First  Your weapon should look “Naturally Scary” –  (Props) This, 100% Leather, natural, Scary(beat)?; This, US Cotton, natural fiber, scary(beat)? And this (knife) is WRONG!
第一、傢伙必須一看就令人不寒而慄，就像這個（拿出道具）百分之百真皮、超天然、可怕吧！？（用力抽一下發出巨響）。再看看這個！純美國棉、天然纖維、可怕嗎？（用力抽一下發出巨響）。再看看這個！一把長劍…這個不行。可別殺了你的小孩！ 
　

Secondly Your weapon should not has the capacity to kill the kid

Just Beating No Killing; Children are OUR Future.

I understand some kids are very funny; in that case, you need a gun! When they go crazy, you go crazy too. Pull the gun, pull the kid, outdoor, and boom! fire the gun, you have high chance of killing … a bird. With a dead bird, show the kid, “Kiddo, See….Naughty bird, Dead, you know what this means? This means……. We’ll have barbecue tonight J !!!!  With kids, mix Humor with Horror, confuse them, suspense!
第二、傢伙不能有致命性
孩子是我們的未來，可以打不能殺
我瞭解有些孩子非常愛瞎搞，像這種情況，你需要的是一把槍，當他們瘋狂時，你也要跟著發瘋，拔出槍來、把孩子拉到門外，碰！一聲！你很有可能射下一隻…鳥，搖晃這隻死鳥對著孩子說：「小鬼！看到沒！調皮搗蛋的下場就是這樣！懂我的意思嗎？」意思是說我們今晚可以烤肉了！讓孩子摸不著頭緒到底是該笑還是該怕，搞糊塗他們、故弄玄虛才是高招！ 
　

Last your weapon should have Lifetime Durability

Have Vision! Kids grow up, With top quality weapon; One day you can give it away as “Graduation Gift”, “Wedding Gift”.
最後一點是傢伙要能夠保用終身
看遠一點！孩子會長大，挑個有質感的傢伙，有一天你可以像送畢業禮物、結婚禮物般地把傢伙送給孩子們。
　

My father said: “OK, for you…we won’t beat you anymore. You young, B is for Beat; you old, B is for Boss. Take good care, be your own good Boss, no Bailout.
老爸說：好了！為了你…，我們不會再體罰了，年輕的時候，B就是扁，長大了！B就是老闆，照顧好自己，作自己的主人，不要讓人家來向你們「紓困」。（英文中，金融海嘯後的紓困也是B開頭，借以諷刺，並寓意自立自強。）
　

Mom hangs her Old Weapon on the wall, there - Historical item, Symbol of her past glory. Whenever we visit and see it, we are inspired to be our own Boss. We are reminded; one simple truth Life is NOT Fair. Life, is FUN J
老媽把她的老傢伙掛在牆上，那個具有歷史意義且象徵著她光榮的歷史，每當我們回家看她且瞥見那傢伙，都會得到啟示，我們要作自己的主人;同時，我們也被提醒了一個簡單的信念「生命並不公平、但生命充滿歡樂！」
　

Fellow Toastmasters, whether you Beat or you are Beaten, sometimes we don’t understand. That’s OK. Just stay alive, with the Right Attitude, Life is always Fun. Do you agree?
各位親愛的會友們，不論是你打小孩或自己被打，狀況有時是難以釐清的。沒關係！要勇敢地活下來！用正確地態度，生命還是歡樂的，同意嗎？
　

(Sing) So Beat it, Just Beat it (Sing) 
　

Toastmasters, Let’s beat … Contest Master!
讓我們海扁，比賽主持人！