Look at me more closely. Yes, I'm a doctor, guess what kind? Please pay attention to my hints.

(No 1) My patients are always very em'barrassed about their problems.
(No 2) I detect the problems with my index finger.
(No 3) I treat the patient not face-to-face, but face-to-ass.
　

Yes, you got it, I'm a proctologist.

Some one call me Dr. Asshole, but I prefer Dr. Doughnut.
Now, excuse me, I must go visit my clients.  
　

1. Here comes the first patient the Spider-Man. He says,
  “There are bad guys more and more,
    Day and night I work and work.
    So my stress is higher and higher.
   And my asshole is tighter and tighter.”
　

“Let me take a look at your Doughnut. Oh, you've got hemorrhoids and they bleed so much. Now, I know why your skin color is so red! And I know why you always hang in the air because you can not sit on the chair.” After I cure his hemorrhoids, the Spider Man flies away happily.
　

2. Then a taxi driver shows up at my clinic.
  “The oil price is higher and higher.
    People's purse is tighter and tighter.
    Now I drive longer and longer.
    And my pupu is harder and harder.
　

Dr. I haven't had bowel movements for 2 weeks.”
“What do you eat every day?”
“No one takes my taxi so all I can offer is doughnuts!“
“You JUST eat Doughnuts everyday? I think you eat too many doughnuts.”

“Mr. Chang, do you see here is a bed, step up here. Listen, take a deep breath, and open your mouth, say ahhh,
  [Puu], No! not open this mouth. But the smell is at least better than before.”
　

“Once again (enema).” Ah. “How amazing, your stool. Oh, it's like black stones.” “You've got constipation.” After I solve his problem, he drives his taxi away happily. 

3. Then here comes a young girl with some mental problem. She often puts some stuff into her Doughnut. Guess what she put this time?
　

I make her take an X-ray check and it came out to be like this. I use the proctoscope to remove the car and this tube
from her doughnut.
　

“Young lady, what is this tube for?”
“I put the hose in to wash the car.”
“Oh, my God. Nurse, please let her take a rest and consult a psychiatrist.”
“Dr, she seems to have a fever.”
“I'll take her body temperature.” 
　

So. What can we learn from those patients? Prevention is better than treatment.
　

1.To prevent hemorrhoids, never push too hard. “No strain, no gain” does not apply here. Don't make yourself feel stressed like Spider-Man. After all, if you spell “stressed” backward, DESSERTS, you'll get desserts.
　

2.To prevent constipation, don't eat too many doughnuts like the taxi driver. If you eat more fruits and vegetables, you will have a smooth bowel movement. Keep in mind, a banana a day keeps proctologists away.
　

3.Finally, garbage in garbage out, our doughnut is just for garbage out, not for anything in. Never do such crazy things as the girl did.
　

Ladies and gentlemen, I don't want to serve you [pause] with my index finger. I wish to have a good time with you [pause] just face-to-face. However, where there is an ass there is a hole, I guarantee that some of you must have the same problems as my patients do. Please feel free to contact me.

To see is to believe, and to see me is to relieve. Excuse me, the nurse call me to sign a document. Where is my pen? Where did I get this thermometer? Show me the follow-up X-ray film of the girl. Holy crap, my pen is in her doughnut. I gotta go to take my pen.

Contest chair.