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Introduction
Look at this handsome young face.
Feel my silky smooth skin.
Touch my rock hard biceps!
I know what you're thinking¡K
Someone so young, so handsome, and so strong could not be afraid of
anything.
Well, I want to share a secret with you¡K
I am afraid.
High Trousers
I am afraid of getting old.
Now, you probably think I am afraid of having wrinkles, losing my hair,
or getting fat.
Well, your right, I'm not happy about these things, but I am not afraid
of them.
I am afraid of getting old,
Because I know as I get older and older,
My trousers will climb higher and higher.
They will climb my body, like a monkey climbs a tree.
I am afraid that one day,
I will disappear into my trousers,
And no one will ever see me again.
I don't know why this happens, but it does.
What!?
You don't believe me?
Look around!
I can see in the audience now,
All the old men are wrestling their trousers down,
While all the young men,
Like this guy down here, are shaking their heads saying
NO, it won't happen to me.
Well young man, it will happen to you!
In contrast to old men's high trousers,
go into the streets of Taichung, where the young cool guys hang out,
And have a look at their trousers, hanging down around by their knees.
I'm afraid, that in 2047,
When I am 70 years old, and I enter the Humorous Speech Contest,
My trousers will be so high;
I'll have to unzip my zipper, just to talk into the microphone.
My Grandfather
When my grandfather was old, his memory became so bad that he always
forgot the time.
So he put five clocks in every room of the house.
People thought he was crazy.
Each time an hour passed,
A chorus of clocks would chime in symphony like an orchestra¡K
Ding dong ding dong!
Cuckoo cuckoo cuckoo!
Doodle do do-do!
My grandfather loved technology, just like Jim Key.
But when my grandfather was alive,
The most technological gadget available wasn't a RAZR mobile phone,
it was the TV remote control.
He loved his TV remote control.
The only problem was,
He always forgot where he put the TV remote control,
And he'd spend half the day looking for it.
To solve this problem he bought a second TV remote control.
Whenever he forgot where he put the first TV remote control,
He would simply use the second TV remote control.
Now, this two TV remote control system worked very well¡K
Until he forgot where he put the second TV remote control!
Before he spent half the day looking for one TV remote control,
Now he spent the whole day looking for two!
Uncontrollable Peeing
Another thing that happens when you are old is uncontrollable peeing.
When you are old, the urge to pee can strike, anywhere, anytime.
For example¡K
On Monday morning,
I got into my car to go to work,
Unfortunately I couldn't go anywhere.
An old man on his morning walk had stopped in front of my parked car to
pee.
Being respectful of the elderly, I didn't beep my horn, or run him over,
I waited.
Finally he finished.
Pulled up his trousers and continued on his walk.
He took so long to pee; I was 30 minutes late for work!
Closing
Sometimes when I feel afraid of getting old,
I look at photographs of when I was young, to make me feel better.
5 years old, ah - so cute.
Suddenly I realized¡K
The older I get, the more handsome I get.
In 2047,
I will be the most handsome and most humorous 70 year old Toastmaster in
Taiwan.
I am NOT,
Afraid of high trousers.
Because I won't wear any trousers!
I am NOT,
Afraid of forgetting the time.
That's what the timer is for!
I am NOT,
Afraid of uncontrollable peeing.
Because I now carry a diaper in bag.
Fellow Toastmasters¡K
I am NOT ¡K!
Afraid of getting old!
Contest chair.
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